


Dedicated

by Anynameisfine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Original Character-centric, POV Female Character, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 10:08:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23969623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anynameisfine/pseuds/Anynameisfine
Summary: He seemed less wary now, with his shoulders slightly slouched and his head hanging low enough for her to see the neatly trimmed contours of his undercut.Antonia felt pity burning in her throat.For him, for Ben, for all of them who would continue to go through hell over and over again until it finally devoured them.
Relationships: Levi/OC
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan.   
> Author's note: I haven't written anything in a very long time and really wanted to get back to it.   
> English is not my first language, so if anything sounds odd to your ears, please let me know. :)

844.

When she first caught sight of him, she didn’t like what she saw.

Antonia remembered how the headquarters had buzzed with gossip even days before the three criminals from the underground must have seen sunlight for the first time.

Usually, she did not like to participate in chitchat. She found it tiresome and absolutely dispensable and, in her humble opinion, there were always more relevant things to discuss than the lives of people you did not know. Especially when you were part of the survey corps.

But in this case, she found herself listening intently to her comrades’ theories and complaints. Afterall, something unprecedented was about to happen.

A mixture of emotions had been tangible in the air, ranging from disbelief, distrust and disagreement to defensiveness towards the prospect of having to accept three thugs in their ranks who possessed the audacity to join the scouts without having received any proper training beforehand.

Although, she was sure that all of her comrades who seemed like they had made a silent vow to not accept any of the newcomers were also _dying_ with curiosity.

Undoubtedly, everyone wanted to know _why_ they had been dug up. There just had to be something _special_ about them, something big enough to justify some nameless criminals to skip the tormenting three years of being a cadet.

She couldn’t imagine it to be talent or combat skill like her squad leader had claimed it to be. Her class had included people who had been impeccable with the omni-directional mobility gear the minute they put it on. People who just could not be wrestled down and were flawless fighters in every regard. People whose perception and quick wit was sure to prove lifesaving.

None of them, not even those who were, under the envious eyes of their comrades, referred to as _prodigies_ behind their backs by their superiors, had been faced with the option of joining a regiment earlier.

On the other hand, the survey scouts’ lines seemed to get thinner with every expedition they carried out. They undeniably _were_ short on people.

Still, recruiting people who had not undergone any military training seemed reckless and, frankly, the not unlikely prospect of having to see them slaughtered the first time they’d go behind the walls did not seem like something to heighten the morale. _As if that wasn’t already low enough._

But in the end, Antonia, like everyone else that had been ordered to gather in front of the stage to welcome the new recruits, could not wait to see what all the fuss was about.

For the first time, she wondered what life in the underground must be like. _No sunshine, probably. Loads of poverty. Loads of criminality. Do they have an infra-structure like we do?_

_It must’ve been depressing_ , she concluded, _they must be very happy to be here._

As she found her place at the end of the line, she was rather glad that the squad leaders stood in the front row and were the ones who would be exposed to Commander Keith Shadis’s critical eye and thus the ones who would be the first ones to find out whether or not he was in a good mood.

While her family and basically everyone who lead a quiet life inside the walls thought it required a bravery that could easily be confused with stupidity to join the survey corps, Antonia had to admit that all of this attributed bravery disappeared into thin air at something so banal as the commander screaming at her.

The downside of her position was that she could only see the three figures that the commander had brought along with him once they stood on stage.

Antonia stared at them in disbelief.

Brief looks to her right and left told her that her comrades were equally fazed by the appearance they made.

While the rest of the corps stood in perfect composition and order, the newcomers stood out like a sore thumb.

One of them, a tall man with blonde hair gave a poor imitation of their military stance. The other two of them, a young woman and a surprisingly small man, did not even try to make an effort. While the red-haired woman was impertinent enough to grin at them widely, the latter wore his arms crossed and a facial impression that might have been somewhere between boredom and distaste.

She scoffed in mild amusement. Their first impression they gave, Antonia thought, was awful.

Once they stated their names in the least appropriate way for an introduction, she was sure that they were going to have a hard time assimilating.

Maybe they did not even want to assimilate. None of them gave the impression that they wanted to be here. Nor that they held any respect for either their superiors or the survey corps itself.

Judging by the looks on her comrades’ faces, they were having similar thoughts. And they did not look like they were keen to help the newcomers with settling in. Even Hange didn’t look excited anymore.

But who could blame them, really?

The idea of showing them the ropes of everything surely did seem more tiresome than attractive.

She caught a part of her hoping that they would not be assigned to her squad so she could judge being made responsible for them in any way.

When Shadis announced that the trio would from now on be under squad leader Flagon Turret’s wing, Antonia let out a breath she didn’t realized she had been holding in.

While she was relieved that she would not have to get involved with them anytime soon, Flagon seemed equally reluctant to have them in his squad.

Antonia eyed the new recruits expectantly, wanting to seize their reaction to their superior’s warm welcome.

While Isabel and Furlon half-heartedly attempted to disguise any mutual feelings they might have towards their squad leader, Levi briefly sized him up with a disparaging look that stayed on his face as he and the others left the stage. To Antonia, it seemed like he had just decided that he’d be able to take him down. Easily.

She found herself staring after them, feeling lost for words. She had been more amused than shocked by the lack of etiquette, that was something easily drilled into the brains of cadets. Furthermore, the superiors had a way of making sure that rudeness and disrespect were also things soon to be unlearned

But the obvious hostility and arrogance that the short man had displayed unnerved her.

Her initial curiosity in their history was mixed with discountenance.

Maybe the others were right.

There probably really was no need to occupy her mind with arrogant thugs who had the cheek to look down on the survey corps’ skills and work. Who clearly did not appreciate the prospect of freedom that could only be felt in the outside world over a criminal life in a sunless prison.

In the end, what good would it do to bother with them? Someone else would eventually disclose if there was any big or small conspiratorial reason behind them being brought here. _Probably Hange_ , she mused and felt her mouth twitch upwards slightly. Hange’s magnificent brain was always fast when it came to solving puzzles and beating her was impossible.

But in this case, Antonia could not see any competition take place anytime soon. From the upset chatter of her comrades that had gotten louder once the commander and the newcomers were out of sight, she could deduce that no one would approach them to ask any questions.

Instead, her comrades were hoping that the new recruits would get their asses kicked at training next day. She could understand that sentiment very well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan.

When she heard how the newcomers had performed on their first training, she clicked her tongue in annoyance.

Her eyes rested on Hange whose face had lit up with excitement upon telling her the news and she felt herself soften up a bit. While she admired the person in front of her for both her positive attitude and open mind, she could not see herself adopting any of these features anytime soon.

She felt a twinge of envy as she contemplated the news. Apparently, the newcomers exceeded Flagon’s squad by length. They had proven to be excellent when it came to coordination and agility while using the ODM gear.

_Flagon’s squad and ours get similar scores on almost every training exercise. Seems like those three are better than us as well._

She briefly glanced at her squad leader who was seated opposite to Hange and eating his meal with a rather pleased expression on his face. _Although our survival rate on missions is higher._

The latter was due to him. Erwin was a brilliant strategist and thus, listening to his orders was the safest way to return home. His current squad had persisted for almost a year now whereas the others had to be frequently reorganised due their dropping numbers.

Flagon on the other hand was said to be hesitant and not as adaptable as required when being out in the open. During the last expedition, he had lost half of his subordinates.

She could not blame him.

Even after having spent two years in the survey corps, she still did not feel any confidence when facing titans. It seemed impossible to size up the situation and react accordingly when there was adrenaline rushing through your veins and the screams of dying people ringing in your ears.

There was no way to adapt yourself to hell. Unless you could block all of this out.

If she had acted on impulse, she would have been eaten on her first mission. Instead, she had hesitated and waited for orders.

Like a good soldier. Like someone who had no idea what to do.

Because her squad leader had known what to do. Because apparently, he could remain unfazed by the agony around him.

_And that’s what kept me alive so far._

Antonina lowered her eyes and looked at the bowl of soup she had been stirring absentmindedly for a couple of minutes. It was getting cold.

She wasn’t sure whether she should consider herself fortunate or not.

She suppressed a sigh and decided to focus on the dinner table conversation again. She had reserved the feeling of hopelessness especially for sleepless nights.

It was more than okay for her that her squad considered her rather quiet and not the most sociable. She could easily get away without speaking a whole sentence at meals, as long as she gave the impression to be involved by producing sounds that sounded affirmative. On the other hand, a lot of them used that strategy once Hange had set her mind on one topic and would not let go of it.

She could not pretend that her type was a rare phenomenon at the survey corps. It was hard to keep a positive and cheerful attitude when you were confronted with death on an almost daily basis.

Many of them had gone through the same transition. 

She wondered if she would ever forget the face of her friends with whom she had trained her ass off for years. How she had never felt so connected and so at ease with anyone. Because they had understood her foolish dreams of freedom all too well. Because their faces had also lit up when they talked about freeing and roaming the world.

She remembered the proud grin on their faces when they had joined. How accomplished and fearless and happy they had felt. Like the world was theirs to take. How they had joked and laughed and mocked each other.

And how half of them had died on their first mission. And how the other half had followed shortly after, until there was no one but her.

For her, keeping a certain distance to her comrades seemed like the most sensible decisions. The less she knew about them, the less hurtful it would be to lose them.

To Antonia, this was what dedicating her heart meant. She knew that death was awaiting her and everyone in this room patiently. But each and every one of them had accepted their fate for the greater good. For freeing the world of titans so that one day, humanity could thrive beyond the walls.

And while she was rather sure that she would not live to see that day, she also had to admit that she wasn’t sure if this day would ever come at all.

Maybe that was the reason the newcomers from the underground joined.

Surely her superiors had noticed that no matter how hard they trained, they just weren’t good enough to achieve any real progress. They probably hoped that the three outsiders would bring a much needed change and teach them some new approaches.

Still, she had seen talent getting crushed by titans before.

She slowly lifted her spoon to her mouth, ignoring her lack of appetite.

When she tried to swallow the tasteless liquid, Hange’s elbow hit her in the side and caused her to almost choke on it.

“And then Levi saved Gustav from impaling himself on a blade!” she gestured excitedly and only paused her chatting when the coughing from the figure next to her got too loud for her to continue.

“Something wrong, Antonia?” The brunette petted her back with élan.

“Not helpful.” She fended off the well-meaning hands and tried to regain her composure.

“Are you that surprised someone from the underground would do something nice, Tonia?” Big brown eyes looked at her accusingly.

“No, you hit me while I was eating.” She clarified with a tired smile after she had finally stopped coughing.

“Oh. I understand.” Hange deadpanned before she returned her attention to the topic that had enthused her.

Antonia, on the other hand, glared towards where said topic was seated.

She wondered how people that seemed to be so different in terms of their personalities could get along.

Isabel seemed to be even more of an enthusiast than Hange. Antonia watched as the girl told the other two something with a wide, contagious grin and beaming eyes. Furlan, the tall blonde watched his friend gesticulate widely with a small smile on his face. Levi, on the other hand, seemed to not pay any attention at all and wore the same blank expression he had when she first saw him.

She almost snorted.

He was even rude towards his little gang.

She noticed that no one of the corps was sitting even remotely closed to them. And she felt almost bad.

_Probably on him_ , she concluded. The others seemed fairly approachable. But Levi kept an air around him and his friends that no one wanted to get close to. And apparently, these two were totally oblivious to the dismissive glances he threw around the room.

She also noticed that he looked at Erwin repetitively. Or rather, that he was staring daggers.

_Interesting._

_I wonder how diplomatically Erwin convinced them to come here._

At some point, he must have noticed that she was examining his behaviour because his eyes wandered to her.

Antonia knew better than to back down when she was caught staring by someone who had just ogled her superior and kept a neutral expression on her face.

She had faced titans and she had experienced Commander Shadis’ wrath. Staring down an arrogant thug should not be a problem.

Cold eyes locked with her and she was sure to have witnessed how his expression darkened slightly. Antonia raised her eyebrows just a tiniest bit.

Eventually, she watched his eyes narrow and finally, he looked away.

Antonia noticed a feeling of satisfaction spread in her stomach.

_You might be stronger, but you are not better than any of us. You won’t make me feel inferior._


	3. Chapter 3

In the next couple of months, Antonia sometimes watched some of the people from her squad briefly interact with Furlan and Isabel during training. But still, due to the aura of inapproachability that surrounded Levi, no one dared to even get close to the trio’s table in the dining hall.

Much to her contentment, her squad had stopped gossiping viciously about them and she could enjoy her meals in peace. She guessed that Erwin’s grave silence whenever anyone would utter anything negative about them, surely played a part in this development. 

The other squads, however still seemed as averse to them as they were before they had arrived. In the forefront of resentment seemed to be the newcomers’ very own squad.

Sairam, for instance, seemed to be highly frustrated by his new comrades’ audacity to display a similar amount of arrogance and talent - and would use every encounter to complain about them.

After enduring his venting the first couple of times, Antonia had soon started to avoid him. This, however, did not always work.

When it was time to get ready for another excursion beyond the walls, Sairam found her alone in the stables where she tended to her horse.

Funnily, Antonia loved that creature to bits. Maybe it was because titans never attacked animals that she allowed herself to get so attached to a horse. She didn’t know what he had been named by his former owner, but she liked to call him Liam.

It might have been silly, but there were few things that gave her as much joy as shoving carrots into Liam’s face. And it somehow consoled her that even if she perished, that horse had a very good chance of living a good and long life.

When the reassuring face of the horse’s chewing got interrupted by Sairam’s loud voice, Antonia flinched slightly.

“Oi! Toni, good to see you! Are you excited for the mission?” – he did not wait for an answer - “you know, I think these three punks are going to die on us today.” 

“What makes you think that?” Antonia asked politely.

“They don’t listen to a word Flagon says. They refuse to cooperate with any of us. And if they continue to lone it out there, they are dead. Frankly, they are a big pain in the - “

He got interrupted by a loud snort produced by Liam. Antonia petted the animal gently.

“Well, let’s hope that gets better once they realise how serious it is out there” Antonia tried to sound optimistic.

“Let’s hope we don’t go down with them” Sairam muttered darkly.

Antonia felt relieved once more people entered the stables and their conversation was ended by the sound of horses being saddled. She let herself immerse into the atmosphere of departure.

* * *

It did not take long for the survey corps to reach the southern Shiganshina disctrict. The world inside the walls was small, after all. 

She remembered how excited she had been the first time she entered the world that stretched beyond the fifty-metre-high wall Maria. And how wary she had felt every time after that.

She wondered how Isabel, Furlan and Levi would react to the sheer endlessness that awaited them and tried to observe their reaction.

Antonia made a mental note that Furlan seemed to be the most reasonable one of them. He appeared to be trembling with anxiousness while his red-haired friend seemed to tremble with excitement. When they turned their faces to the side to talk to each other, Isabel wore her wide signature grin whereas Furlan wore a worried frown.

She could not see Levi’s reaction to the world outside of the wall and felt somewhat disappointed. It would have been nice to see any emotion on that empty face for a change. But he probably did not show any either way.

Soon, everyone had moved into formation and she could no longer see the newcomers. She briefly wondered if they would die today.

_I should have tried to make at least the girl and Furlan feel welcome. They seem nice. Maybe then, even people like Sairam would have come around and they would have learned how to get along…_

She stopped herself from thinking further and reminded her of the rule she had set for herself.

_No more dead friends._

Her jolly thoughts were interrupted by loud shouting.

To their left, a titan had emerged out of the forest.

_This soon? We still aren’t far off from the wall?_

Antonia cursed her poor perception. She would not have noticed the 15-metre class in time.

While she was still staring at the titan, Commander Shadis had already decided on a strategy.

 _It’s a good thing I’m not in a leading position_ , she thought grimly.

When he and Vanguard’s squad went off to kill the titan in the woods, another one emerged out, far too close to their supply wagons.

 _That must be twenty metres tall_ , she thought grimly. _At least it’s only one of them for now._

She looked to Erwin expectantly. They were in the front of the formation and the titan was getting closer to the middle of their column. Whether she and the rest of her squad would turn around and engage was up to him.

But Erwin just continued to head forward. As if he had felt her gaze, he turned to her with a neutral expression on his face

“Sebastian’s and Flagon’s squad will take care of it” he gave her a reassuring smile.

She wondered why he would place so much trust in the squad that included the newcomers and apparently had troubles with teamwork.

_Or does he want to find out if they can survive?_

She felt a bitter taste in her mouth. She quickly pushed the thought aside and decided to trust in her squad leader. 

“It’s an abnormal!” some shouted.

Antonia spent a couple of seconds watching Erwin’s back for a reaction and when none came, she turned around - just in time to see Sebastian’s body get devoured.

His head fell to the ground and soon after, two lifeless bodies followed.

Finally, Erwin gave the order to turn around.

 _We are too far away_ , she thought bitterly and looked at her comrades.

Emma’s sun-kissed skin looked almost pale and there was a hatred burning in her eyes that was all too familiar with Antonia. Ben, who usually displayed a calm demeanour, was shaking ever so slightly. She remembered that he had been friends with a lot of people from Sebastian’s squad. 

She could not make out Hange’s eyes, but her lips were pressed together firmly, and her hands held on to the reins tightly.

No matter how fast they rode, they would never make it in time. The feeling of hopelessness began to crawl under her skin again.

Antonia’s eyes became wide with shock once she saw Furlan, Isabel and Levi approach the titan.

 _What on earth are they_ thinking _? Are they suicidal?_

Apparently, the trio itself did not have a problem with teamwork. Antonia watched in awe as they carried out a perfectly coordinated attack.

Once Levi had landed on the titan’s back, Isabel and Furlan cut deeply into its upper leg, causing it to lose balance and to kneel on the ground. After what seemed to be only a second, Levi had sliced its neck and all of them landed on the grass.

Antonia was speechless.

Erwin had stopped a couple of metres away from the trio, wearing a smile on his face as he watched them complimenting each other.

Ben, Emma, Hange and herself stopped a few metres behind their squad leaders, their mouths agape. 

It occurred to her that she rarely saw Erwin smile. Then again, there did not seem to be a lot of reasons to do so in his line of work.

This time, however, it seemed called for.

Maybe things would change for the better now.


	4. Chapter 4

For the rest of their ride, everyone had been wary that there would be more titan encounters. But fortunately, there were none. When the sun had begun to set, she had caught herself on the verge of being optimistic.

And once they reached the old ruin that would serve as their accommodation for the night, everyone finally dared to relax.

She dropped her bag down on the dusty floor and sat down next to Hange to eat her ration.

“What do you think, Toni?” Hange asked her with shining eyes.

“About what?” she asked, although she knew exactly what the brunette was referring to.

“ _Them!”_ , she gestured dramatically towards the trio who was, once again, sitting isolated in one corner of the room.

“I guess they are pretty good” Antonia replied.

“Pretty good? You have to be kidding me, they are incredible” Hange looked at her as if she was crazy.

“But that won’t help us.” Emma slid down next to her and leaned against the wall. “I doubt they will help us with improving our training.”

Antonia wondered when Emma whose brown eyes had once sparkled with mischief and hope had become as resigned as she felt.

“What are you talking about? Of course they’ll help us! You’ll see!”

They both watched Hange get up and approach the trio.

“Up for a bet? I say they’ll off her.” Emma muttered dryly.

Antonia felt the side of her mouth twitch upwards. Maybe, a strong sense of humour never fully vanished and simply adapted itself to any given situation, no matter how horrendous.

“They wouldn’t dare.”

“Let’s see about that…”

Neither of them looked amused when Hange sat down between Isabel and Furlan, not obeying any unwritten law about respecting personal space and obviously making them uncomfortable.

The conversation seemed to be extremely one-sided and Hange looked as if she did not notice. But Antonia knew better.

Hange had seated herself opposite to Levi who was obviously the leader of the other two and chose to sit in close proximity to his friends, making it almost impossible to physically exclude her without being overly rude.

The approving smile on her face never swayed and was aimed to gain their trust.

Antonia was sure that she was heaping praise on them.

Everything about her screamed _harmless._

Her comrade was the most cunning person she had ever met.

At one point, something Hange said caused the trio to look around the room. Antonia flinched inwardly. Everyone had been staring shamelessly at them once her comrade had walked towards them. Moreover, all the conversation in the room had died minutes ago.

Antonia wasn’t quick enough to lower her gaze and her eyes briefly met the cold orbs of Levi before she inspected her boots.

It wasn’t long until Hange had unpacked a bag of sweets and started sharing them with Isabel.

 _That’s low_ , Antonia thought.

 _And efficient._ She tried to supress her amusement when she saw Isabelle devour the cookies.

But apparently, it was not enough to get through to Levi and Furlan. She snorted. _Would have surprised me if Levi had a sweet tooth._

When Hange returned to them, she seemed rather happy with herself.

“So, will they help us?” Emma asked.

“Not yet, but they will eventually.”

“And what makes you so sure of that?”

“Well, I’ve just become friends with Isabel and Furlan. Levi will come around.” Hange grinned.

Emma sighed in disappointment.

“I’ll go and see what Ben’s up to. See you guys later.”

Antonia watched her get up and leave the room. She wondered how Emma had managed to preserve her capability for empathy.

She did not know how to comfort people anymore. After all, every single one of them was inconsolable and reliant on their coping mechanisms. The mere idea of telling Ben that she was sorry for his loss made her feel ridiculous.

“It’s good that you took a step towards them, Hange.”

Antonia regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. She liked to avoid conversations that could get personal. And usually, she made sure to _think_ before speaking. Her fingers nervously moved upwards in order to fiddle with her necklace.

“Huh? What do you mean, Toni?” The brunette looked clueless.

“Well, no one else did and… that was not fair. We excluded them right from the start.” She sincerely wanted to bite off her tongue and avoided her comrade’s eyes.

“Ooouh, Toni! You are not so cold after all, I knew you had a good heart!” Once again, Hange’s eyes were shiny again.

“I mean, we need to make use of their skills if we want to kill titans more efficiently. It’s important to be on good terms with them.” She tried to rectify her mistake.

Her comrade grinned at her in a way that was unnerving her.

“I’ll try to get some rest. Good night, Hange.” Antonia got up and turned around to start unpacking her bag.

“Sure! Good night, Toni.”

* * *

When Antonia woke up the next morning, she noticed that she had actually rested well. In addition, she realised that she hadn’t had any nightmares which was a rare thing, especially when she had to spend a night outside of the walls.

Yet, she hadn’t slept long and it would still take some time until sunrise. She envied people like Hange who could sleep for ten hours or more. The last time she had gotten a full eight hours of sleep must have been when she was still a child.

She slowly peeled herself out of the blanket, trying to not wake anyone that was sleeping close-by, and tiptoed out of the room to wash herself.

Once she felt refreshed, she decided to stroll around the former castle.

It was funny how peaceful the world beyond the wall could be as long as the sun wasn’t up. She decided to climb up the stairs to the old tower which, while it definitely must have seen better days, still looked reasonably stable.

This was the part she loved about her disturbed relationship with sleep. When she got up so early, the titans were inactive and she could get an impression of an endless width and a taste of the freedom she and her comrades were longing for. To her, it was a precious illusion she very much enjoyed indulging in.

When she had reached the top of the stairs, she froze.

Apparently, she was not the only early bird.

It was the first time she was alone with any of them and she cursed every entity she could think of that it had to be Levi.

She was almost sure that she could have handled Isabel. And maybe she would have even enjoyed talking to Furlan. But Levi simply seemed to possess an utterly insufferable personality. 

He had turned around and watched her with his usual expressionless face.

Much to her delight, Antonia noticed that she was taller than him. Not excessively, but still to a satisfactory extent.

_Hard for you to make me feel small._

She also stood close enough to notice that his eyes were a cold grey. It seemed rather fitting.

It didn’t appear like he would make any attempt to converse with her and she honestly did not really feel like trying, either.

On the other hand, she did not want things to get awkward.

“I wanted to have a look at the landscape without having to watch my back.” She refrained from greeting him or introducing herself. While he wasn’t looking at her like she was a waste of space right now, she still did not see herself exchanging pleasantries with him anytime soon.

“I see.” He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

Well, having someone watch her while she tried to enjoy the view would definitely spoil the experience, but he showed no sign of leaving anytime soon.

She decided that she would choose awkward over the embarrassment of leaving herself after having announced her intention.

So she moved to the other side of the tower and tried to forget that she wasn’t alone while she looked at the endless dark blue in front of her. But it was no use, she felt him watching her and, with a sigh, she turned around.

He spoke before she could open her mouth.

“You’re friends with Hange.” It didn’t sound like a question.

She hesitated briefly. “No, not really.”

 _I really try not to be_ , she thought.

His facial expression did not give much away, but she caught his eyes narrowing ever so slightly for a split-second.

“But she is a good person. You don’t have to be so wary of her.”

She was starting to feel annoyed by his poker face. It seemed about time to leave.

She turned around and walked back towards the staircase. Before she made her way down, she decided to pull herself together once more and forced herself to say something nice.

“The three of you did well yesterday.”

She did not wait for a reply


	5. Chapter 5

They set out by dawn.

It was a marvellous day. The sky above them was a mixture of grey and light blue, disturbed by impressive hues of orange and yellow that warmed their faces and the back of their hands as they moved forward.

Next to her, she could sense that Hange was boiling with excitement. Today, they were trying out the long-distance scouting formation her squad leader had come up with for the first time.

In this formation, they should be able to communicate with flair guns to dodge any sighted titans instead of having them plough through their rows and scatter them.

Antonia did not dare to feel excited or optimistic. If she made it home, she would carefully count how many of them had survived this excursion and then make up her mind.

Hopelessness had accompanied her for so long now that she could not imagine herself leaving it behind anytime soon.

For now, Hange was in charge of their team and she was not entirely sure how she felt about that, especially since the brunette had a tendency for reckless behaviour when it came to titans.

Erwin was at the head of the formation whereas she and the others were almost at the back. Being a part of the rear seemed relatively safe – unless you were attacked from behind or fell too far back.

So far, everything seemed to go more than smoothly. Communicating with the flairs was working flawlessly. They had changed direction more than ten times and covered an impressive distance. In addition, as Emma had quietly muttered at some point, scared to be judged for this assessment, the different colours floating in the sky looked rather pretty.

Things looked well – practically and aesthetically, she had to admit as her eyes traced a vibrant green tail that floated through the sky in the far distance.

_West_ , she thought and gave the rein a slight pull.

But as much as she wanted to, she could just not trust that things would continue to be so peachy.

And when the first dark clouds appeared at the sky, she knew it had been wise to remain pessimistic.

When the first drops of rain poured down, she hoped that they would be able to maintain their communication system.

When the rain was teeming down less than a minute later, she felt her heart sink again.

Whatever advantage they might have had, it was now all for naught.

The tension in the air was palpable.

"Stay close! Make sure you don't lose sight of each other!" She could barely hear Hange's voice, but she gladly obeyed.

She definitely did not want to stray far from her squad. As the rain soaked her clothes and fog obstructed her vision, she wondered if it was more likely that Hange had given up on her glasses or given up on seeing.

The next hours were nerve-wrecking. It was impossible to see what was going on in front of them and they had no idea where the rest of the formation was.

_What if we strayed out of the formation?_

Moreover, they could run into a titan any time.

Antonia pulled her hood closer into her face and tried to shield her eyes from the rain in vain, hoping that the sky would clear up soon.

With her heart bumping rapidly inside of her chest, she fixated her eyes on Hange's back, telling herself that everything would be alright as long as she did not lose her squad.

Yet, she could not really convince herself.

_What a gamble._

* * *

It took some time to find the rest of the survey corps once the storm had passed. Saying that the scouts had been able to maintain the formation would have been a bold overstatement. Without the flair guns, none of them would have been able to find any of the other squads.

When they could finally make out the silhouettes and eventually the faint green of their comrades' capes in the distance, the tension fell of her squad's shoulders.

"Over there!" Emma shouted excitedly and pointed towards the four figures that had appeared in their field of vision.

She could hear Ben let out a breathless laugh on her right and saw Hange frantically wave towards the other squad with both arms.

But once they had reintegrated themselves into the formation, they heard the news.

Antonia's relief over not being lost in titan territory quickly diminished upon hearing how the other squads had fared.

They had suffered huge casualties.

According to Hange, five squads had been wiped out. And there was a dozen of wounded soldiers laying on their wagons that would hopefully survive until they reached wall Maria.

By now, the sun was shining down mockingly on them, shedding light on their failure.

The warmth on her face could not reach the rest of her.

Antonia felt tired and cold. She wanted to go home

* * *

When she woke up, she felt terrible.

She was not sure what part of her dreams had been nightmares and which bits and pieces had been real.

She remembered dreaming about the storm, she remembered dreaming about a head falling down on the grass. She remembered dreaming about the sun blinding her, about the gate being opened and their column entering the Shiganshina district. The hatred and verbal abuse of the gathered citizens. The cries of some of them when they realized that their children were missing. Or among these severely hurt.

Three injured soldiers had died. They had only noticed their condition when they had already reached the infirmary.

She could not remember whether the squad leaders of the deceased had turned around right around away to inform their families or if they had been granted a few more hours of blissful unawareness. Antonia was not sure which option she would have preferred if she had been put in their place.

The face of her aunt popped up in her head. The lines of worry on her forehead and the far too faint laughing lines next to her eyes. She remembered how the way her mouth would twitch at one side for a brief second whenever she heard bad news had always been the only sign indicating that she had lost composure.

Thinking of her usually filled her with love – and guilt for having left. But now it made her feel nauseous.

She could not stay in bed, she needed to distract herself from the hollow feeling in her guts.

Careful not to wake Emma or Hange, she left the room to take a long shower before making her way to the stables.

She was rather glad that her sleeping habits ensured her of being alone while tending to her hygiene. She was not ashamed of her body, they all had scars and bruises all over them. Being naked around others did not pose that much of a problem.

But, on the few instances where she hadn't had the whole shower room to herself, some of her female comrades had tried to include her in their chitchat about which men of the corps were the most attractive. And that was a topic she loathed.

While she understood that this kind of entertainment was a much needed distraction for them, she just could not bring herself to even think about a fling.

_Why bother?_ There was no use in getting emotionally attached to a man who might be dead tomorrow or the day after. Or having one deal with mourning her death after an empty promise of a happily ever after.

She had dedicated her heart to humanity. With that vow, she could not afford to give it away to anyone, that horse was out of the barn.

When she had joined the training corps, she had though that she would settle down once they had won against the titans. Now, she felt ashamed by the thought that she had ever assumed her being in the survey corps would make a difference.

_I was so naïve and arrogant,_ she thought and stepped out of the shower to dry herself and get dressed.

She tried to shake off her embarrassment and felt her heart get lighter with each step as she approached the stables.

Antonia was almost happy to find herself alone and fed Liam some treats for breakfast. The feeling of the horse's warm muzzle against the cold skin of her hand felt comforting. She gave him a brush before she put a horsecloth on him and lead him into the paddock so he could enjoy the space on his own for a bit before the stable boys let the other horses out. Maybe she was projecting her own oddities on that horse, but she liked to think that he was a bit of a loner, too.

She remained seated on the fence that surrounded the enclosure for a couple of minutes to watch Liam trot around the area as if he did not have a care in the world and as if he did not mind the restrictions of the fence around him.

Maybe she should have followed the horse's example and tried to find joy in a simple life behind the walls. But she wholeheartedly doubted that she would have been successful in doing so. And on the other hand, even if she was given the chance to leave the survey corps behind, she knew that she could never bring herself to do it.

She sighed. There was no easy way.

_I need to stop being so depressed. I chose this._

* * *

Despite being up early, she had wasted so much time entertaining herself with gloomy thoughts that she was rather late for breakfast.

With a heavy heart, she entered the dining hall.

It was the same after every mission. While she would be aware of the numbers, the dead comrades' absence only ever became visible at situations where everyone was gathered.

Seeing all the vacant seats felt like a blow in the stomach.

She grabbed some bread and sat down next to Emma who wore a frown on her face and chewed on her meal in silence. Opposite to her, Ben hadn't touched his plate. Instead he seemed to stare right through it.

Not too far away from them, Hange and Erwin seemed to have an animated conversation and did not seem to be in low spirits at all.

They seemed to be discussing the upsides of the new scouting formation excitedly. Maybe she should have congratulated him. After all, his idea had proven to potentially be a game changer - but she just could not bring herself to.

Instead, she felt glad that she had refrained from finding a seat right next to them. She preferred the company of people who were not up for conversing either. Who tried to focus on eating the food in front of them while their survivor's guilt gnawed at them.

It took her a while to notice that the table which was usually used by Isabelle, Furlan and Levi was only occupied by one person.

Before, Levi had sat on the other side of the table, probably so that he could easily observe the room. Now, he had switched to the other side and faced the wall. He seemed less wary now, with his shoulders slightly slouched and his head hanging low enough for her to see the neatly trimmed contours of his undercut.

Antonia felt pity burning in her throat.

For him, for Ben, for all of them who would continue to go through hell over and over again until it finally devoured them.

* * *

Author's Note: I feel like this chapter might be a bit too soppy, but I decided to post it anyway. I'd be happy to hear your criticism. :)


	6. Chapter 6

Soon, far too soon, things went back to normal.

The first couple of days _after_ , everything had been more quiet than usual. Conversations were held in lower voices and died down whenever someone who had experienced loss this time got close. It was rare that Antonia had heard someone laugh, and if she did, the laughter seemed to get stuck in their throat once the sound had made it to the ears of the person who had let it lose – as if they deemed it inappropriate for the occasion that was their life.

But, being in the military comprised a routine.

Sometimes, it could be considered a curse, for instance, when it came to getting up early and falling asleep with every inch of one's body hurting after endless hours of straining exercise.

Sometimes, it could be considered a blessing. Training like there was no tomorrow steeled their bodies and ensured that they felt strong and capable.

With all the _afters_ she had gone through in her time at the scouts, Antonia felt that the routine was what kept her going. As long as her days was structured and she knew what was coming next, she would not succumb to grief.

It was a grey morning and the earth below their feet was a muddy mess that seemed to be willing to devour them. Their boots sank deeply into the moist ground and felt heavier than usual.

Ben, Emma and Hange walked next to her, the latter's white pants were already soiled by the mud towards the training fields. Their tired silence was only disturbed by the squelching sounds of their steps.

With her eyes fixated on the ground and her mind focused on ignoring the undignified sound that accompanied them, Antonia noticed quite late that her squad leader was accompanied by a much smaller person.

Next to Erwin's broad and tall frame stood Levi.

She tried to find traces of grief on the soldier's face, but, as usual, his expression gave nothing away. Moreover, the tension she had once sensed between the two men apparently had dispersed. While Levi looked nowhere near to happy about being where he was, he did not seem to mind the blonde man's company.

This time, she was quick enough to look away shortly before she felt his eyes on her and focused her attention on her squad leader instead.

As always, Erwin did not take much time to come straight to the point.

"Due to our late casualties, we will have to reorganize our squads in the next couple of weeks. I will let you know once I know more about that. For now, Levi will join our training because of his performance in the last excursion."

Next to her, Hange squealed in excitement shamelessly. Emma's and Ben's eyes had lit up and even Antonia had to admit that she felt slightly excited.

They all had heard rumours about his _performance in the last excursion_. Apparently, he had gone completely berserk and slaughtered an ungodly number of titans. There had been rather heated discussions about the exact number, but Antonia was sure that while he surely had not killed a hundred, like Ben had been told, he might have killed at least ten, like Emma said.

If he was even remotely pleased by their reaction to the announcement, Levi did not show it.

What he did show them though was that he had ridiculously high demands.

After no more than two hours, they were on the brink of collapsing with exhaustion.

Yet, he continued to shoo them through the forest for round after round, asking them to fulfil a variety of complex somersaults and sharp curves. He made them dodge several objects he threw at them tirelessly and later had them tackle and dodge each other in a rather twisted version of hide and seek.

Their breaths created little clouds in front of their faces and, despite the cold air, there were endless streams of sweat running down their temples and necks.

Soon enough, Antonia was sure that Levi did not know the concept of mercy. And from what she could tell from their facial expressions, her comrades also doubted that the man had an ounce of empathy in his heart.

If Erwin had been in his place, Antonia was sure that they would have dared to oppose the strict training regime and told him to cut them some slack. But somehow, they were far more intimidated by the small soldier than by their squad leader.

Erwin had the type of charisma that might have enabled him to sell sawdust to a lumber mill in another life. His presence signalled a well-balanced combination of professionalism and incorruptible trustworthiness.

Antonia could not really pinpoint what it was about Levi that kept them in check. Maybe it was simply the fact that he had _performed outstandingly_ , to put it in Erwin's words. Maybe it was the indifference on his face and in his voice that made it seem crystal clear that he would not care if they complained.

When she felt on the brink of throwing up due to the exhaustion, they were finally allowed to stop.

"You can take a break." Despite the bored tone in which they were expressed, Antonia had rarely been happier to hear these words.

She and the rest of her squad dropped to the ground unceremoniously.

As she turned her head to the side, she saw Hange, Emma and Ben grin happily while they were still trying to catch their breath.

She looked up to Levi and briefly met his eyes. They seemed a bit less cold than usual.

_He seems more comfortable when he can tell people what to do. Charming_ , she thought dryly and supressed a smile.

Yet, her amusement did not last for long and was quickly replaced by what she would describe as inappropriate curiosity.

She wondered how well he was coping with the death of his friends.

A second later, he broke eye contact and walked towards Erwin who had been watching the spectacle from a distance.

They were more than glad to hear that they had the rest of the day off and would continue their training with Levi tomorrow. Apparently, Erwin wanted to use the rest of the day to pick the man's brain for some strategic ideas and later have him torture Miche's squad.

On the way back to the headquarters, their feet seemed to sink less deeply into the sodden soil and the sounds the soles of their boots made whenever they lost their contact with the mud were drowned out by her comrade's loud, cheerful voices.

"I am never gonna be able to move again" Hange proclaimed with a content grin.

"I thought he'd let us roll around in the mud _forever_ " Ben complained happily.

"I really hate him" Emma said exaltedly and then rolled her eyes and Antonia.

"Come on, I was kidding. Stop being so sensitive"

"I didn't say anythi-"

And when Emma gave her a shoulder nudge, Antonia found herself smiling.

"You actually are right, he's terrible."

* * *

Over the course of the next weeks, their training seemed to get more challenging every day. Levi was the most merciless drill sergeant she ever encountered, but she still appreciated him.

Her performance with the ODM gear had improved drastically and for that, she gladly endured feeling sore all over her body and having to listen to the orders of the most robotic person she had ever met.

They had rather quickly discovered that Levi was not one to mince matters. His analytical gaze did not miss any of their short comings and he exposed them with a sharp tongue.

"You're useless in combat if you hold the hilt in such a vice-grip. Apply less pressure and your movements will become less shitty."

Antonia watched Ben bite his lower lip, apparently unhappy with the attribute that Levi had assigned to his combat skills. She dared to spare her team mate a comforting smile and watched him work up a half-hearted grin.

If Levi had sensed Ben's unhappiness, he didn't seem fazed by it. Instead, he continued to walk pass Hange and Emma who both seemed rather relieved that that, today, he had nothing to comment on their performance.

Antonia felt the urge to sigh when he stopped in front of her. While she knew she needed every feedback she could get and that she was in dire need of improvement, she still did not enjoy listening to her deficiencies. On the other hand, no one really did.

She could not remember the last time she had trained so hard – and so efficiently. It was not like she and the others needed to hear any compliments to be swayed into keeping their efforts up, but any form of acknowledgement would have been thrilling, nonetheless.

_Probably not the best place to look for praise._ She thought dryly as she looked at Levi's indifferent face.

Antonia noticed that the circles under his eyes had become slightly darker since the last time she had really looked at him and suddenly, she wondered how old he was.

_He can't be much older than I am._

She pushed the thought aside. It really didn't matter.

"You are cautious, but you lack initiative. When you fought Hange, you were able to anticipate and evade most of her attacks, but you let most opportunities to get at her pass."

Antonia nodded. He was right. She was quick to react, but reluctant to, well, _act_. During their hand to hand combat session, Hange had offered her plenty of openings due to her rather impulsive style, yet Antonia had only tried to take advantage of them twice.

"Were you trying to tire her out?"

She wasn't really sure what held her back, and she definitely did not want to try and verbalise it in an incoherent stutter that would make her look foolish in front of him and her comrades.

"Yes." She lied without blinking.

She could feel him looking at her face and decided to meet his eyes with the most honest expression she could muster up.

"I see."

When he turned around and started to take off his omni-directional mobility gear, Antonia felt her heart sink for the slightest bit.

Once he faced her again, her suspicions were confirmed.

"Fight me."

_Oh shit._

Antonia was not _so_ self-conscious about her combat skills. During her time in the training corps, she had performed decently, despite not being particularly strong. Instead, she had relied on being fast and knowing how to throw someone twice her size over her shoulder. Plus, in theory, she knew where it hurt the most. But she had never applied this knowledge practically.

It just wasn't _necessary_ to be good in hand to hand combat. It had not been taken into account when it came to picking the crème de la crème of the trainees and it actually was quite useless when it came to killing titans. And killing titans what was she had signed up for, not for beating people up.

She had focused on learning how to use the gear, how to hold a blade, and how to get close enough to a titan to slice its neck because these were the practical skills that mattered.

Antonia avoided fights, both verbal and physical, and fared rather well with her evasion tactics in both cases.

She doubted that her technique would do her any good with this opponent, though. No matter how fast she was, he would be faster. And somehow, she was sure that he'd know where it hurt much better than she did. But there was no way to get out of this.

When Levi took one step towards her, she simultaneously took one back. This seemed hardly like the time to work on her initiative.

She studied his face. He did not look at her menacingly. But despite his blank expression, or perhaps _because_ of his blank expression, she felt very much threatened. She fondly remembered the times when it had simply annoyed her.

For several seconds, they appeared to do some sort of ridiculous dance in which she tried her best to keep the initial distance while equally trying to embrace the ridiculousness of acting like a pantomime.

She wondered how long it would take for him to grow tired of her evasive approach.

In what seemed to be the nothing more than the split of a second, Antonia got her answer. It took all of her self-restrain to not cry out in pain when she felt his boot meeting her left side. While he had kicked her at the level of her kidneys, it somehow knocked the air out of her lungs.

Instead of making a sound, she bit her lip and tried to take advantage of the opening that he had just offered to her. Almost immediately, she reached for his ankle in order to give it a strong pull. She would have loved to simply flip him over, to feel the satisfaction upon proving that she did not need to beat anyone up to win a fight.

But her attempt proved futile. Before she could even reach his ankle, he was already building up the momentum for another kick.

_How can anyone be this fast?_

This time, she jumped aside and avoided receiving another kick.

He did not grant her any time to celebrate her small triumph but came right at her again. This time, she had no chance of dodging the attack and could only place her arms in front of her torso to protect it from his blow.

It was a fiasco, it was painful, and it was definitely not going to get better anytime soon. Antonia felt powerless and weak. She rarely evaded a kick or punch and her lower arms were two pieces of throbbing pain. She considered curling up into a ball, but she was sure that while her body would recover from today's beating, her pride would not if she gave in now.

It did not take long for Antonia to realise that Levi was probably holding back more than just a bit. The realization left a bitter taste inside of her mouth.

Unlike her, he did not seem to tire out and soon, she was so exhausted that she gave up on trying to evade his attacks and instead settled for doing her best to block most of them.

"I'd say it's about time you attack me."

He either sounded bored or annoyed. With her blood ringing in her ears, Antonia could not really tell. Nor did she care much. What she did care about was that she was panting like she had just spent the whole day running laps whereas he did not seem fazed by the physical exercise of beating her up in any way.

She took a deep breath in. She really did not want to. But she also really wanted this little happening to end.

With the air leaving her lungs, she dashed forward, aiming straight for his throat. Although he had refrained from hitting either her face or anything vital, she decided that she did not need to be this honourable.

Her chances of success were as low as she had calculated. But when he slapped her arm away, Antonia managed to grab his wrist once it collided with her lower arm, and, in a swift motion, turned around to finally flip him over her shoulder.

She grinned in triumph.

But before she could bend over to send him flying, she felt his free arm pressed against her neck, obstructing the air flow, and froze immediately. She quickly let go of his wrist.

"Finally." Antonia could hear him mutter lowly behind her, surprisingly close to her ear. Suddenly, she became uncomfortably aware that she had maneuvered herself into a position where her back was pushed against his body.

One second later, she felt the pressure of his lower arm disappear from her throat and, shortly after, he took a step back.

Relief flooded her once she realized that it was over. She was not sure how much more of a beating she could have endured in dignity. She decided that she would find a place where she could cry in peace later.

Antonia turned around to look at his face, expecting to be criticized.

His grey eyes rested on hers shortly. "Not bad."

She blinked in surprise.

Apparently, he did not expect a reply from her. Unceremoniously, he turned around to Ben, Emma, and Hange.

"Good work, everyone."

When Antonia saw their faces light up, she felt the corner of her mouth curl upwards. All of them knew that this was the best they would get from him.

"We are finished here."

Without further ado, he left. Once he was out of earshot, Hange grinned at her proudly.

"That was awesome, Toni!"

She looked at her comrade in disbelief. "You mean the way I got my ass kicked?"

"She means the way you managed throw him off-balance" Ben chimed in.

"Well, it wasn't very successful…" she tried to put a damper on their enthusiasm. _He underestimated me and I got lucky. That's it._

"You don't have to be so modest about it, we've all heard how many titans he slaughtered on the last mission. Lasting a minute against _that_ is something to be proud of and you managed to stand your ground even longer." Emma offered.

She sighed. Antonia knew that it was well-meant, and she was far too tired for a discussion that would only make her appear petty.

Lately, she had noticed a shift in their group's attitude. While the training brought all of them to their limits, it also gave them the feeling that maybe next time, they would be better equipped to fighting titans. As a result, everyone seemed less on edge and less cynical to her.

While she wasn't sure if it was wise to welcome this change, she still could not stop herself from loosening up ever so slightly.

She smiled at the three of them warmly.

"Thank you, guys. I'm heading off to shower. See you later!"


	7. Chapter 7

The house they had flung themselves on must have seen better days. Most of its windows were gone and the remaining ones were traversed by cracks. Under different circumstances, Antonia would have wondered who the people were that had lived in those vacant houses an eternity ago. But for now, she had other things on her mind and simply felt glad that the building was sturdy enough to not collapse under their weight.

The droning sound of her heartbeat was almost overwhelming as she looked around for her comrades. On the opposite side of the street, Emma and Hange had gotten into position on a roof. Next to her, Ben grinned excitedly. A 12-metre class titan was about to reach the exact spot where they had wanted it to be.

Antonia fixed her eyes on the tall woman’s form. Once Hange’s figure started moving, she flung herself into the air.

_Immobilise it._ She briefly wondered why his voice would pop up in her brain. She briefly wondered why she was thinking about anything at all when she was supposed to be solely focused on _acting._

Before the titan could notice her, she had already cut through the tendons of its knee pit, causing the immense body to fall forward.

Within the same motion, she flung herself up on the opposite roof and quickly wiped the uncomfortably hot and steaming blood off her face before turning around to take in their work.

She could not help feeling pleased. 

The titan’s arms hung to its sides uselessly as Ben and Hange had successfully severed the muscles at the level of its elbows.

Antonia held her breath as she watched Emma cut through the titan’s nape.

She looked over to Hange who had squatted down and grinned at the scenery in front of them widely. Not too far away, Emma and Ben doing some kind of triumphant dance that while it lacked elegance, definitely conveyed joy.

Antonia felt a smile forming on her face as she exhaled.

Their teamwork had definitely reached a new level.

Maybe things really weren’t hopeless anymore.

* * *

Antonia could not remember the last time an expedition had went so well. The route Shadis had chosen lead them through plenty of villages. Whenever they had encountered a titan that could not be evaded, a squad would lure it into the abandoned streets of said villages and dispose of it like it was nothing.

Things continued to go smoothly and by sunset, they made it safely into the old ruin that was supposed to be their overnight accommodation.

It was by no means in good shape, but the thick stone walls seemed to offer sufficient protection from any threats. Yet, she was not sure if she would have felt equally if they had arrived earlier.

As Antonia made sure that Liam was well-supplied with hay, water and the carrots that she had smuggled along in her pockets, she looked around in awe, trying to count the soldiers around her.

_Could it be that no one died?_

“Not a single soul!”

Antonia flinched as Hange gave her a far too enthusiastic dig with the elbow. She turned around to see the brunette’s face a bit too closely to hers and saw herself confronted with pure childlike happiness. Hange’s eyes were glowing with joy and her grin looked slightly crazy.

“Are you sure? I haven’t seen the guys from Miche’s squad yet”, Ben muttered reluctantly.

“Of course I’m sure, I counted!” Hange did not even sound offended by his doubt.

“Can’t argue with that” Antonia mumbled dryly, but she had to admit that she felt as happy and relieved as everyone else. Maybe for the first time ever since the scouts were formed, no one had died.

Even her squad leader who was talking to Commander Shadis a couple of metres away looked like he was thrilled. At least for his standards. To Antonia, the mild smile plastered on Erwin’s face counted as _thrilled_ , but that might just be an overinterpretation.

Lately, their squad leader had not been very present, to say the least. Once their training sessions were over, he would soon disappear to talk to the commander and the other squad leaders. For this expedition, he had once again put Hange in charge of their squad so he could follow the commander to the front of the formation.

_Erwin is becoming irreplaceable to Shadis_ , she noticed as she watched the two of them converse from afar. _Without him, it would have been impossible that we all arrived here safely._ She knew that Shadis had not always been too excited about Erwin’s new ideas. But whatever might be the reason for Shadis’ changed attitude, she surely was glad about the outcome.

“I used to be angry at him.” A low voice said right next to her.

She turned around and looked at Emma’s sombre expression. Her serious brown eyes were fixed on commander Shadis. 

“I guess I just didn’t understand how it can be up to one person when my friends die. I thought, if they die, then he must have made the wrong decision.”

Antonia hesitated, unsure what to say. Loss was part of their everyday life and somehow this made it hard to leave room for grief. If they started offering condolences to each other, it would result in an endless exchange of hollow words. Unconsciously, her fingers wandered to the pendant of her necklace to nervously play with it. She did not feel fit for this kind of conversation.

“It’s a lot of responsibility…” she offered lamely.

“I know, I know. And we have vowed to dedicate out hearts to a cause, and all, yes. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in what we do. But I just could not help feeling heavily underprepared. And I used to think that we were not going to get anywhere.”

Antonia felt the lump in her throat get harder as she avoided Emma’s eyes.

“But that has changed. I think that we stand a chance now.” Her comrade’s voice sounded assured.

She nodded slowly and finally worked up the courage to meet the woman’s gaze. Emma smiled sadly.

“Are you still angry at him?” she gestured over towards where the commander and Erwin were still talking.

“Sometimes. What about you, Tonia? Are you ever angry?”

Antonia hesitated.

“I can’t. I could not do any better than him. And I probably would have given up already because I could not bear making any of these decisions.”

Emma rolled her eyes at her.

“I didn’t mean that _I_ could do better, I just…”

“Didn’t see the point in it anymore?”

Antonia watched the woman next to her sigh.

“Yes.” She said lowly.

“I felt the same way. I guess we just needed a silver lining.”

Emma smiled at her tiredly.

“Thank you, Tonia. I thought I was the only one who had their doubts.”

“Don’t worry about it. And speaking of silver linings; you did really great with that 12-metre class earlier.”

Emma’s eyes lit up immediately. It had been a good idea to change the topic. She was tired of thinking about the ideals they had dedicated themselves to.

“Seriously, we are doing _so_ great today! The way you blinded the first one we killed was amazing…!”

Antonia could not help but notice that Emma was one of those gifted people whose good mood was contagious. She smiled at her comrade warmly as they walked into the abandoned building.

“Rather crowded in here” Emma remarked as they entered the first room in which the majority of their comrades seemed to have set themselves up for the night.

“Let’s find Hange and Ben” Antonia suggested.

The latter had saved them some space in the corner of the last room of the estate and seemed to be immersed in a serious discussion.

“Maybe he _wants_ to be alone?” Ben asked, apparently slightly annoyed.

Antonia knew immediately who they were talking about. Within seconds, she had spotted Levi across the room who, as always, avoided the company of others.

“ _No one_ wants to be alone, Ben! How can you be so heartless?” Hange stared at him in disbelief and threw her hands in the air dramatically.

“I’m pretty sure that he would talk to people if he, well, _wanted to._ ” Ben was clearly unfazed by her scolding tone and seemed like his patience was running thin. 

“What if all he needs is a warm welcome!” Hange turned to Emma and Antonia and looked at them with big eyes. “What do you think, guys?”

“Erm …” Antonia started, unsure how to reply.

“Hange”, Emma looked at the brunette with a serious expression on her face, “are suggesting that the guy who made us undergo the most rigid training ever and who told us straight to the face that everything we do is _shit_ is too _shy_ to talk to us?”

“Maybe not shy, but…”

With a helpless expression on her face, Hange turned towards Antonia and looked at her with pleading eyes.

Antonia tried to steel herself. She would not give in.

“What about you, Toni? I mean, look at him, he is all alone!” A flustered Hange pointed across the room.

Antonia glanced at Levi who was sitting on his not yet unpacked sleeping bag and looked like the epitome of indifference.

“He looks fine. Actually, he looks like wants to be a-“

“Do you remember our last expedition? What you said about how excluding them wasn’t nice? And now his friends are…”

Antonia felt Ben’s and Emma’s eyes on her and felt a blush creep on her face. Of course, Hange would use her jabbering against her. She decided to focus on Hange’s face – which had clearly been a mistake. The expression in her eyes reminded her of a very sad puppy.

She felt herself carve in.

“I don’t mind talking to him.” She stood up and looked at Hange expectantly.

In an instant, Hange’s eyes did not look teary anymore. Instead, she beamed at her. “You go ahead, I’ll be there in two minutes!”

_What?_

Antonia stared at the tall woman in disbelief and wondered about whatever was going on in her precious head. After a short contemplation, she decided against asking and turned around instead.

With a sigh, she made her way towards the infamous short man and was uncomfortably aware of all the eyes following her. Her movements suddenly felt clumsy. She really hated being the centre of attention.

Levi pretended to only notice her shortly before she stood about a metre away from him and met her with his usual expressionless face. She could not even say that he looked at her _expectantly_.

She was already getting tired of this.

“Mind if I sit here?” she asked politely.

“Go ahead.” He shrugged.

Very tired.

They sat in silence for about twenty seconds. If she was completely honest, she was not really fazed by the thought that she might be making things awkward.

Especially since browsing her brain for potential topics was not really successful. What should she bring up? The time he had beaten her up during training? Antonia did not feel like reminiscing about that.

His life as a criminal in the underground? She had to admit that she felt rather curious about that – yet, it seemed like a far too intimate topic. She would not have been comfortable talking about her upbringing to him – and almost everyone else, if she was being honest – and her past would not even have been a controversial conversational topic. Plus, she was not keen on leading a potential conversation even close to his late friends.

How he learned to fight and to use the ODM gear?

Why he now seemed to get along with Erwin?

Everything seemed inappropriate at best and like a potential mine field at worst.

She was tempted by the idea to sit this one out until Hange decided to show up. And if that option had been less childish, she might have gone through with it.

“I am bad at small talk.”

“Obviously.”

“Apparently that’s something we’ve got in common.”

For once, she could have sworn that the corner of his mouth twitched for a second. She felt herself soften up a bit.

“Thank you for helping us with our training.”

He nodded.

Antonia did not really feel encouraged by his blank face, but she still decided to make an effort.

“I think it increased our chances for survival. I’m sorry everyone gave you a rough start.”

He dismissed her statement with a click of his tongue. Yet, she was not sure whether it was meant for her optimism regarding survival or her apology.

Antonia supressed a smile and an eye roll. That was probably the most she was going to get out of him.

“Your weird friend is coming.”

It seemed bold to her that he of all people would dare to attribute that adjective to anyone, but she decided that she was too polite to point that out.

“Hange is brilliant.”

Not even a second later, said person let herself down far too close next to Antonia and wrapped one arm over her shoulder.

“Soooo? What’s up? Are you two getting along?”

Levi clicked his tongue again, this time, she was sure, in annoyance.

“Like a house on fire.” Antonia muttered clearly audible to both of them. She held Levi’s sceptical gaze for a couple of seconds and then looked over to Hange, inwardly passing the responsibility for this conversation on to her. And instantly regretting it.

“Great! So, Levi, how does the potable water supply in the underground city work? What about the food supply? And how do people make sure they get enough vitamin D?”

Antonia cringed. If Levi was taken aback by this question, he did not show it. She watched as he narrowed his eyes for a couple of seconds.

“They don’t.”

“But that would mean that they become ill.” Hange’s eyes widened “Is that the reason why you are –“

Antonia used more force than necessary when she shoved her elbow in her comrade’s side.


	8. Chapter 8

845.

_For over a hundred years, no one has set foot here._

Never had Antonia been further into titan territory and yet, she did not feel as terrified as she had thought she would. The sky did not hold a single cloud and apparently, they had been able to evade most of the threats.

Things looked well as far as she could tell.

While she, Hange, Emma and Ben were part of the scout support team, the squads in front of them and to their right who were responsible for the enemy detection had not signalled that they engaged in any fighting yet. Of course, it was impossible to know if things went as smoothly on the other side of the formation, but still, they were in high spirits.

According to Hange, they would set up the new resupply station as soon as the next suitable building emerged. Antonia was honestly not looking forward to this. It would take some time for Shadis and Erwin to mark the new location on the map and for her and the others to unload the carts.

The rest of them would be on watch for titans – and on edge. It was not an ideal break after riding from morning to noon. While she knew that it made sense to stack gas, blades and food in regular intervals, she still preferred to be on her horse until the sun went down.

"Aaaah, here we go!", Hange pointed towards a small tower, "I bet it's going to be this one!"

As they came closer to the building, Antonia saw that it was in a rather good shape. Only a few of the grey bricks looked like they had loosened over the years and the ivy growing up the walls offered a certain charm.

But the aesthetics of nature reclaiming its rightful place was nothing that concerned her too much right now.

"Alright guys, I'll be off to Erwin and the commander" Antonia noticed the slight blush appearing on Hange's cheeks and tried her best not to smile.

"One of us needs to get on that tower and keep watch. Can you do that, Emma? Miche and two other scouts should be up there, too. The other two of you can help unpack the supplies. Oh, and make sure to eat a bite."

As soon as the brunette was out of earshot, Ben grinned at them.

"When do you think they'll officially make her our squad leader?"

"She's rather good at this, right?" Emma smiled.

"It should be only a matter of time." Antonia agreed.

* * *

Carefully, Antonia tried to balance the gas tank on her right shoulder, wondering why anyone would design such a phallic object which, through its ridiculous length, caused anyone who attempted carrying it around, to risk bumping it against things like people or solid walls.

Ben had chosen to carry a box full of medical supplies and left the transportation of the unnerving object to her. She could not really blame him. Had she been the first one of them to choose between the last two things left to be moved inside, she probably would have done the same.

"You'll let it fall." A familiar monotone voice predicted.

She almost did because she had not heard him coming. She gripped the tank a bit tighter. If Antonia had been more polite, she would have tried to turn around to look at him. But as she was sure that she would be met with the usual blank expression, she decided that it was not worth to risk dropping the container.

"Trying my best not to." She muttered through gritted teeth.

Suddenly, the weight on her shoulder got a lot lighter and she furrowed her brows in disbelief.

_Was he really going to help her?_

"It's something two people should carry." The bored voice behind her decided.

It bothered her slightly that he wasn't wrong. It just had not occurred to her to ask anyone for help.

"Yeah… Probably."

She adjusted her hold on the tank more to its front and started moving. He followed swiftly. As they made it through the door, Antonia noticed how well-coordinated their transport had gone. A part of her suspected that if she had carried that thing together with Ben, they would have collided with everything around them at least once. On the other hand, they would have filled the silence with swearing and bickering.

With a fluid motion, Levi and she sat the tank down on the ground. Antonia leaned against the wall and turned towards him.

"Thank you." She offered him an honest smile.

While Hange had dominated the conversation last night and Levi had barely said a word, let alone anything nice, it still might have had an impact on him. He seemed to be trying to be decent. If he had a good side, maybe they were starting to get on it.

"No problem." He shrugged.

"Where are you in the formation?" she asked.

"Forward scouts."

Antonia blinked.

"Erwin… ", she corrected herself, "Commander Shadis put you in the front line?"

She thought that she should not have been surprised that someone as skilled as him would be part of the enemy detection, but it still seemed utterly uncommon for someone with this little experience regarding expeditions.

Levi crooked an eyebrow.

Antonia blinked again. She had just witnessed a change in his facial expression.

"It's unusual. You must have earned Erwin's trust" she explained.

He clicked his tongue dismissively as if he did not want to waste any words on how little he cared for that.

"Where is your squad?"

With the monotony of his voice it did not really sound like a question.

"We're one of the support teams, right flank, next to the command."

"I see."

Once again, their conversation ceased to exist. However, Antonia noticed that she felt comfortable with the silence. Apparently, he did not mind it either as he did not show any inclination to leave the room. Instead, he sat down on one of the barrels that had been moved into the room and looked through the glassless window.

Maybe, this was the exact extent that she, and probably anyone else in the scouts, could, well, in lack of a better word, _bond_ with Levi. He was not very talkative, to put it mildly, and she wasn't either.

She suspected that Hange was trying to get him out of his shell with excessively engaging him in (up until now rather one-sided) conversations, but Antonia doubted that she'd be successful to the point that he'd ever start joking or laughing with anyone.

Antonia decided to take advantage of the fact that he was not paying attention her anymore and took a moment to study his face.

For once, his eyes were not narrowed to a slit, causing him to not look annoyed for once.

_Not on edge, huh? That's rare._

She noticed that his features were somewhat… delicate. With mild surprise, it occurred to Antonia that Levi was handsome. His pale skin stood in contrast to his dark hair and the dark circles that were prominent under his light grey eyes.

She decided to push that thought away. It really did not matter how he or anyone else looked. Once she had averted her gaze, she could feel his eyes on her and felt relieved that he had not caught her staring.

"We should get back. Erwin and Shadis are outside."

"Alright." It might do her good to get her focus back on the mission. _I've been too caught up with social trivialities, lately._


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Panic made her ears ring.

Antonia wondered if it had been a terrible mistake to allow herself to sway away from her abundantly learned pessimism and hopelessness. Maybe, the situation would have been less unbearable if she had never thought that they stood a chance.

She was not sure if the universe was simply testing or mocking everything the scouts had accomplished during the last couple of months.

On the other hand, she did not really have the time to dwell on that question. While her mind still felt sharp, her body felt weird.

Her hands that were holding on to Liam's reins felt weirdly numb. So did her tongue and her face. Her teeth which she was grinding together for some reason felt like they were _tingling_ and as if they were about to fall out.

In front of her, she saw Hange's tall back. To her right, Ben was riding on his bright brown horse whose name she had forgotten. Fear was evident on his pale freckled face as he clung to his horse as if his life depended on it.

Antonia thought that it probably did. If they weren't fast enough, they were dead. She hoped that Emma was still right behind her, but somehow, she could not command her head to turn around so she could glance over her shoulder.

Commander Shadis had commanded all of the remaining squads to make their way to the forest so they could make use of their ODM gear.

Apparently, the forward scouts on the other side of the formation had been surprised and overrun by several titans that had managed to draw a deep gash into the formation and crashed two of the supply carts.

It was like every threat that they had managed to evade so far was coming at them at once.

Antonia wasn't even sure if the formation was still even remotely intact. What she could say for sure was that the distance between the squads had been drastically reduced. Shadis and Erwin were now within sight.

"Squad Hange, guard the carts!" Antonia mused that for the first time, Hange probably was not happy about being addressed by the commander, but she saw her salute with proud, straight shoulders, nonetheless.

When Hange turned around to take in whatever was happening behind him, her face showed no fear. Yet, Antonia did not feel encouraged in any way when she told them to slow down.

"We have to let these three carts pass!"

Finally, Antonia forced herself to turn around. In the corner of her eye, she saw Emma's dark curls and the lump in her throat became less prominent and almost swallowable.

She tried to focus on the task at hand and tried to not look at the giant figures that were far too close behind the wagons. The three carts were close-by – it would roughly take thirty seconds for them to pass by if her squad kept going at this speed. Much less, if they slowed down a bit more. But she sincerely hoped that Hange would not tell them to do so.

Antonia started counting.

After eight seconds, one cart had run past them.

After fourteen seconds, she could see the horses that were pulling the second one next to her.

After seventeen seconds, she heard harrowing screaming.

This time, she instinctively threw a glance back and only came to regret it later.

A titan had plucked the soldier from the third cart like a child would pluck a flower from a field and slowly moved his body towards its mouth. Antonia noticed that her hands were trembling excessively now. She gripped the reigns tighter.

_There isn't enough time. We can't save him._

She closed her eyes until she could no longer hear him and felt ashamed.

Her heart sank even further as she contemplated their options. Without anyone guiding it, it would be impossible to save that wagon. The startled horses pulling it were already straying from the intended course.

She looked towards Hange questioningly. The brunette hesitated for two quick heartbeats before announcing her decision.

"We leave that one be-"

"Retrieve the supply cart!" Antonia wondered if Shadis' yell had just sealed their fate.

She exchanged a look with the rest of her squad and saw the fear on their shocked faces transform into bitter determination.

"Ben and Emma, you take care of that 10-metre beauty over there. Toni and I will have a go at this one here." Hange's eyes seemed to burn with resolve as she looked at the 16-metre titan who had just devoured one of their comrades.

For a second, Antonia's eyes rested on the backs of her comrades as they approached the smaller titan and she somehow felt glad that it was closer to the rest of the formation and the forest.  
They had a chance of making it. If they played it smart, they might be able to lead it into the woods and finish it with their ODM gear.

"Let's go, Toni! I'll get to him from the right, you'll take the left."

She felt less optimistic for Hange and herself. Especially, since Hange's plan sounded as if she was barely hoping that one of them would make it.

Antonia wondered if there was anything that caused her more dread than the thought of fighting titans out in the open. There were no trees or houses for them to use their omni-directional gear on. In this case, they were equally reliant on luck and skill.

The titan was visibly confused that two people were drawing closer at it at once and kept looking from one side to the other, undecided which human it would like to devour first. She prayed that it was not an abnormal.

Antonia removed her feet from the stirrups and carefully climbed on top of Liam's saddle once she was in line with the titan. After making sure that Hange was in position on the opposite side, she drew her blades and breathed out a shuddering breath before aiming at the giant's shoulder and shooting herself into the air.

Everything around her seemed to move so much slower than it usually did and suddenly, she felt strangely calm. When she saw the titan's hand reach for her torso, she cut its fingertips off before it could touch her and felt almost elegant as she landed on its shoulder.

Quickly, she shot a grapple hook into the back of its head and reeled herself into a position that would enable her to cut its neck.

When she heard Hange's muffled scream, she forced herself to not look towards the source. Instead, she hurried to finish the task at hand and soon felt herself spattered by the unnaturally hot blood emitting from the wound she had inflicted on the titan's neck.

As the titan slowly slumped down, Antonia hurried to stand on its head.

_What happened to Hange?_

When her frantic eyes could not see her comrade, she felt nausea rising up in her stomach.

_She has to be here. There was no time for the titan to-_

Antonia was painfully aware of the other titans drawing closer. Plus, a side glance showed her that Emma and Ben still hadn't finished their target. She was running out of time. She had to find Hange _now._

Her vision got obstructed by the steam coming out of the titan's body. She whistled for Liam, praying that he was still near - and had not suddenly decided that he would rather live his life as a free horse.

Suddenly, she heard a cough and immediately turned her head towards its source. One of the titan's hands was encircled around green fabric. Hange.

_She's alive._

Antonia sprinted towards her and tried to help her out of its skeletal grip.

"Are you okay, Hange?"

"Yes, I think it only broke my arm", the brunette sounded almost light-hearted, "good work, Toni!"

Under different circumstances, she would have shaken her head at the woman's demeanour. But there were other things to worry about.

"I'll get you on that wagon. Then you can rest a bit" She knew that the latter was probably a big fat lie, but she felt like she had to say something reassuring.

As she turned around to look how far the supply cart had gotten away, she heard the sound of hooves trampling on the ground.

_We can make it,_ she thought as she watched Liam galop closer to them.

* * *

With two grown women on him, Liam was slightly slower than usual, and Antonia could not help feeling a pang of guilt for putting him through this mess. If she made it out of this alive, she would try to buy some juicy red apples for him.

Their goal wasn't too far away. The horses which had fled from the titans in panic seemed to have calmed down enough to go at a slower pace. Once they had reached the cart, Hange should be able to reach the formation without encountering further threats.

But while Antonia could stop worrying about Hange, she had no idea where Emma and Ben were which increasingly unsettled her.

"I got this from here. Will you get the others and catch up?"

Antonia nodded and watched the tall woman jump onto the coachman's box and once again turned around.

She could see three more titans closer than she would have liked, but none of them was the 10-metre class one Emma and Ben had taken on. The only logical explanation for that would be that her comrades had succeeded to lead said titan into the woods within the last few minutes.

If she went for the area they had most likely gone to, she would have to keep a close eye on the titans behind her who were most likely to follow her instead of the rest of the formation. She snorted. Leading the titans away from the important remains of the survey corps would have seemed heroic to her - if only she was not headed for the rest of her squad.

But not looking for her squad was out of the question for more than one reason. The one that mattered most to her was that she could not abandon them. Because no matter how much she wanted to deny it, they meant something to her.

And their excessive training must have meant something, too.

Antonia took a deep breath before encouraging Liam to gallop as fast as he could.

_No more dead friends._


	10. Chapter 10

On a regular day, the scenery around her could have been called idyllic.

Warm light shone through the green leaves above her and made the colour look even more vibrant. And the sound of Liam's hooves hitting the ground was almost drowned out by the melodic chirping of birds that accompanied them.

It was a beautiful forest. There was no denying that.

Antonia wondered if she would die here.

The broken branches and the damaged bark of the trees standing at the outer edge of the forest had told her that Ben and Emma had managed to lead the titan here.

She descended from Liam's back once she realized that it would be impossible to find further traces of her friends if she did not skip to ODM gear.

As she stood next to her horse, she dumbfoundedly realised that she had no idea what to do with him. _Should I try to tell him to go back to the formation? Should I have him stay here? Where are Ben's and Emma's horses?_

Her thoughts were interrupted as Liam's muzzle poked against the side of her head. She looked at the animal's gentle eyes and decided that she could not bind him to a tree here, not if she could not be a hundred percent sure that she would be able to come back and get him.

"Go to Hange and the others for me, okay?" she said to the horse before giving him a clap to send him off, sincerely hoping that he would somehow be able to understand what she meant and obey her wish.

Then, Antonia finally made use of her omni-directional gear and shot herself up onto a thick branch that looked like it had recently lost a lot of its leaves by force.

Not too far from her, she could see two cuts on the bark, like a bright scar had been inflicted on it.

_Grapple hooks._

Impatiently, she followed the traces of subtle destruction that had been inflicted on the bits of nature before her. She thought that it was a shame that a titan this big left no footprints. _Why is that though? Maybe Hange has an idea…_

On the other hand, she felt grateful that it was not required of her make herself an easy target by staying on the ground.

She wished that she was faster as she moved from branch to branch, from tree to tree, trying to quickly assess whether or not her comrades might have been here.

But while she was flinging herself through the air at an impressive pace, she still felt like she was moving through a thick mass of jam.

She could feel the combination of anxiety and exhaustion in her bones and she desperately tried to push that feeling away.

In addition, she noticed that her movements became less precisely. As she pushed herself forward, she felt twigs hitting against her, leaving small cuts on her face and the back of her hands. And whenever she flung herself on yet another branch, she felt her knees tremble under the effort of withstanding the impact of her landing.

Her joints were aching, and her muscles were screaming.

But it really did not matter if she was tired. She had to stick it out. She'd rather die from exhaustion than stop before she had done what she had to do.

And eventually, after what felt like at least an eternity, Antonia saw the titan. And with that, her body rewarded her with another wave of adrenalin strong enough to push all her tiredness away.

She had to disagree with Hange. It really was not a beauty.

Despite its height, the most striking feature of the titan were its big, dull eyes that were as blue as the sky. A wide grin seemed to be its resting facial expression. On a human, Antonia thought, its face might have been pleasant, but on the titan, it looked nothing but unnerving.

She slowly slid down on a thick branch, careful not to make a sound or a movement that might be caught in the monster's peripheral vision, and frantically looked around for Emma and Ben.

Her hand clasped around the pendant of her necklace and she tightly gripped the little stone between her thumb, index, and middle finger, feeling its edges digging into her skin.

Not too far away from her, she saw a boot that had been stuck between a couple of branches. The green leaves surrounding it were stained with blood.

She immediately knew that the foot of whom it belonged to was still in there. And since there was no body anywhere in sight, she concluded that at least one of her comrades had been eaten.

Antonia wished that she could just turn around and admit that she had not been able to do anything. But she knew that she had to get closer, she just had to make _sure_ that neither of them had made it, otherwise, she would never be able to live with herself.

Carefully, she made her way to the ten-metre figure – and finally understood why she had not caught its attention yet.

Its eyes were fixated on a young man with a pale face and light brown hair that was cowering in the crown of a tree, almost fully disguised by green leaves, and just out of its reach.

_Ben._

When he saw her, his facial expression that had been the epitome of dread, changed. After this, he would probably say that he had never been happier to see anyone in his whole life.

If there was an 'after this'.

Unsure of what the best approach could be Antonia used her ODM gear to move upwards. _If I'm up high enough, it can't reach me_. _Then I'll get to him._

"I'm out of gas! You have to be careful, it _jumps!_ "

Ben shouted once he deemed her out of the titan's reach.

Antonia felt like someone was squeezing her heart. These were not the best circumstances for an escape. Yet, the alternatives did not look any better than the slim chance of the two of them getting out of here.

When the hooks of her gear sunk into the trunk next to him, Ben started to wave towards the titan and shouted obscenities into its face. While it did not seem to mind the foul language at all, its unnerving smile never faltering, Ben's performance was enough to keep its attention on him and enabled Antonia to land next to him almost smoothly.

For the first time ever, Ben hugged her.

"I can't believe you're here, Tonia." She saw relief, gratitude, and tears in his eyes – she quickly looked away.

"Emma has been – " Ben's voice broke.

"I know."

"We didn't know that it was an abnormal and when we thought we had it, it just jumped and caught her. I tried get back to where I thought the formation would be, but I think I went into the wrong direction and now I'm out of gas. I'm so, so sorry, Antonia, I wish I would have -"

"Ben." She interrupted him rudely.

Antonia did not feel equipped to deal with this situation. Neither with the abnormal below them, nor with her comrade's emotions.

"We have to get out of here."

He looked at her with a blank face, blinked twice, as if he had just realized that now indeed was not a good time to discuss what had happened, and then regained his composure.

He gave her a short nod.

"Good. You will hang on to me and I will try to get us back to the others."

"How much gas do you have left? Will it be enough to get the two of us there?"

There was no point in lying to him.

"We might have a chance." She gave him a half-hearted smile.

"Tonia…"

"Don't waste your breath, I don't want to hear any of that."

"But you could –"

"Nope. I don't think Shadis would send anyone back to get you out of here. The risk is too high."

"I know that. But you should still go alone."

Antonia rolled her eyes.

"If we don't manage to catch up to them, I will whistle for Liam and he might get us out of here."

"Liam?"

"My horse."

"Oh."

"Come on, hang on to me." She gestured behind her and without further discussion, Ben did as he was told.

Antonia was glad that he was a rather short and slim person. Yet, she could feel his weight on her back and knew that their chances were really not thrilling.

"Toni?" Ben whispered urgently into her ear.

"Yes?"

"That is a really terrible name for a horse." He said gravely.

She let out a small laugh that died in her throat when she glanced at the titan that was still intently staring at them.

"Let's go."

Antonia shot the hooks into the bark of an oak tree, squeezed her arms against Ben's legs, hoping that this would decrease the air resistance, squatted down, and jumped forward with as much force as she could.

The momentum was rather impressive.

_If I don't shoot the grapple hooks too far away, they get deep enough into the trunks to hold our weight and we can swing most of the way._

It was not an elegant solution, but this way, they would save gas. At the same time, they'd be incredibly slow, and the more time passed, the further the formation got away.

Yet, it was probably the only chance they had. Or at least the only she could think of.

But it did not get them far.

 _We would have needed to get so much further up_ , Antonia thought as she saw one big blue eye right next to her.

It was merely a second, nothing more than a heartbeat, but the moment stretched out for an eternity. She heard its teeth snap far too close to them. She could feel the heat emitting from its body.

The titan had jumped far higher than she had thought it capable of, eager to devour them mid-air, like they were some fish hanging on a rod – and it missed them.

But before Antonia could understand what had happened and feel relieved upon having escaped death due to sheer luck once more, she felt the impact of the titan's hand hitting against them from behind.

It may have tried to grab them, but instead it threw them against a tree.

Antonia resisted the urge to let go of Ben's legs so she could use her arms to soften the impact of the collision with the dark brown trunk. Instead, she tried to turn her body to one side, hoping that she might just break her shoulder and not her neck. So that she would not let go of Ben.

Retrospectively, after spending more nights than she could count going through what had happened again and again, Antonia was sure that she must have failed to put herself into the position that she had planned for the impact. She was sure that the outcome would have been different if she had freed one arm and only held on to Ben with the other one.

Because then, she would not have hit her head and lost consciousness. Then she would not have let go of Ben.


	11. Chapter 11

When Antonia opened her eyes again, the clouds above were moving at a fast pace, as if there was a heavy wind pushing them forward. But if there was, she could not hear it blowing against anything in her proximity. The picture did not match the sound. And she could not _feel_ any kind of breeze against her skin. She could not really feel or hear anything. At most, she felt like was floating.

The idea unsettled her.

She had no idea where she was.

This unsettled her even further.

And then, suddenly, it was like someone had poured a bucket of cold water over her and the washed the disorientation away.

First, she felt an almost overwhelming amount of pain and the hard-wooden planks below her back.

She was not _floating_ ; she was lying on her back in one of the godforsaken carts.

Then, she heard low voices, but she could not really discern who was talking to whom, much less about what. She slowly moved her head to look around herself.

She flinched as Hange's face popped up far too closely above hers.

"Toni!"

"Hey." It was hard to produce words. Her throat was dry, and her mind felt dizzy. But if Hange was irked by the seconds that passed before Antonia managed to get the syllable across her lips, she masked it very well.

Her comrade's brown eyes seemed wide with concern.

"How are you feeling?"

Antonia really did not know how to reply. She had no idea how she _felt_ and it would have been easier to tell Hange which parts of her body did not hurt than to describe to her where she suspected to be injured.

"How did I get here?" She asked instead, her voice far too raspy.

"Your horse found us. I recognized it right away when it came out of the forest, you see, because of the white spot on its left ear, and I told everyone that you must have switched to ODM gear and send your horse to us, so that we would send backup."

The words were pouring out of Hange's mouth at a remarkable speed and Antonia noticed that she had to muster up a lot of willpower to concentrate on them. But despite her efforts, Hange's interpretation did not make much sense to her.

"But the commander said that I was delusional and that you had been eaten and I, er, got into a lively discussion with him, and, I might have said some things to him that were uncalled for while doing so…"

Antonia felt a rush of affection for her. Opposing the commander must have required guts – and she knew that Hange lionised Shadis. Yet, she had gone out of her way for her team and prioritized their survival above everything else. And while doing so, she must have displayed enough rhetoric skill to convince him to send for their squad.

But instead of retrieving three people, they only found her.

"Anyway, Levi went back to look for you."

Hange's words did not make much sense to her.

"What? Alone?"

"Er, yes, the commander did not really approve of that, but…"

A part of her brain absorbed the information that Levi had probably disobeyed his superior in order to help them, but she just did not have the mental capacity to think about that now.

By now, she had registered that only Hange and her occupied this cart. However, there must be others. She could hear the sounds of hooves around them, faintly accompanied by that of what must have been wheels.

"Did he… find Ben as well?"

It was a painful thing to ask, but she just needed to eradicate the spark of hope that still remained inside of her chest, she just needed to make sure that she had really failed.

The tears that formed in Hange's eyes confirmed what she already knew. Quickly, she averted her eyes and looked towards the grey sky.

"No, he just brought you back."

She felt like she should have apologized to Hange for not bringing anyone back. And like she should have asked more questions about what exactly had happened to the others while she was absent, about who exactly had said what when Liam had reached them, about whether Levi said anything about having seen Ben's body, about whether or not he killed the abnormal titan.

But Antonia could not remember the last time she felt this drained and tired.

"I see. I'm going to sleep for a bit"

It was rare that she fell asleep as soon as she closed her eyes, but this time, the universe blessed her with this supernatural power. She did not even hear Hange's reply.

* * *

The way back seemed to be endless. Then again, she could not really say how much of it she spent awake.

It might just have been a very long dream with a few fragments that felt like they really took place, but then again these could have been old memories, recycled by her subconscious. Or maybe it was the other way around and she simply dozed off for brief periods of time. Be that as it may, she could not really recall much of it.

But there was one image that she would remember from their way back.

In one waking moment, she was faced with the stunning beauty of hundreds of stars that shone down on them brightly.

She remembered that she had loved to sneak out at night to look at the stars as a kid. This had been one of the few occurrences where she displayed perfect patience and sat quietly for hours. Her mother had told her about the different formations you could see in the night sky. She faintly remembered the way her laundry had smelled back when she was still living with them, but she could not say what components the smell consisted of.

The next time she woke up, she could feel rays of sunlight touch her face. It was dawn and the pale sky over their heads slowly turned to blue.

She had heard a bell in her dreams.

The sight above her got obstructed by the hapless grey of the entrance gate. Finally, they were back inside the safe confinement of the walls.

_Shiganshina_ , she thought.

She tried to block out the voices of the gapers that always seemed to gather among the main streets, regardless the time of the day, to greet the survey corps with their disapproval.

And yet, she could not overhear them.

"Look, there's not even twenty of them left."

"Seems like our taxes got eaten."

"Isn't it weird how everyone in Shadis's squad always dies. How does he live with this?"

_Not even twenty._

Antonia considered getting up, just enough so that she would be able to take a look around, to see the devastating reality of how their numbers have shrunk with her own eyes.

But she could not muster up the strength – neither to prop herself up on her aching arms, nor to look at the accusing faces of the citizens who were either grieving their lost family members or their valuable tax money.

She took a deep breath and felt a sharp pain in her ribs. She dreaded the idea, but she felt like she would have to spend some time in the infirmary.

She closed her eyes again, hoping that she would be able to sleep at least until they got to Trost, or better even still when they arrived so that she would not witness the same scenario all over again. For now, she felt like she could sleep forever. She would have thanked the universe if she had been able to.

* * *

This time, it was screaming that woke her.

"Wall Maria has fallen! Shiganshina has been run over by titans!"

And for the first time for what must have been hours, she felt very much awake.

Yet the hysteria did not really get to her as much as she thought it should. Maybe, she was still under shock.

She wondered where precisely they were at. She had no idea for how long she had been out this time. She saw houses to her left and right, but they did not really look familiar. She assumed that they were passing through Trost district, which would mean that Shiganshina was a long way behind them.

When she moved her head to look for Hange, the brunette was nowhere to be seen. Antonia was completely alone.

She briefly wondered if the remains of the survey corps had already jumped to action and left her behind, seeing that she was too useless to provide any help.

On a second thought, Hange had been injured as well. Antonia wondered whether she would be reckless enough to fight with a broken arm.

When she decided that she really needed to get up, however painful that might turn out to become, Hange hopped back onto the cart.

"Toni, Wall Maria – "

"I heard. But how?" She did not care that she was being rude.

Hange did not seem to care either, she just gave her a quick nod.

"We don't have enough information yet, but Erwin is the new commander, he and everyone who is still able to fight will turn back to Shiganshina district. I hope they'll get there soon enough"

Antonia was confused. She briefly wondered if Shadis had died, but then she remembered the harsh words of their welcoming committee.

"Shadis stepped back." Hange clarified and for once, her face hardened, and she looked as if she had just smelled something nasty.

Apparently, Hange's infatuation with Keith Shadis had found a sudden end. But that was not only none of Antonia's business, but also did not seem important at the moment.

"What do we do now?" Antonia asked.

"What do you mean? We're heading towards the infirmary, of course."

The expression on the brunette's face was both bitter and serious.

Antonia remained silent for a bit. Hange was right, there wasn't anything else that they could do in their current condition.

"Do you know what happened to my horse?" She felt ashamed for not having asked about Liam earlier and at the same time, she felt embarrassed for asking about him at all.

"It's pulling one of the other carts." Hange offered her a warm smile.

"Alright, thank you." Antonia felt some of the tension leave her body and sank her head back down onto the wooden surface below her again.

Then, she tried to block out the panicked-stricken voices of the citizens around her and to find comfort in the slight rocking of the cart that Hange navigated through the streets. She tried not to picture hoards of titans eating people in the streets of Shiganshina.

Today turned out to be one of the worst days of her life and she could not help but wonder whether it would also be her last. Whether it would mark the end of humanity.

She wondered where exactly the Wall had broken down. If the titans had been able to get both into Shiganshina district and beyond Maria, it must have fallen where the edges of the district met with the main part of the wall. Which was also where the wall was thickest and should have been more than stable.

Antonia could not really imagine that the walls which had kept humanity safe for so long would now simply fall apart. Maybe there had been an accident with a lot of gunpowder. She would have liked to believe that because he alternative meant that an abnormal must have breached it.

If there was a future for any of them, she wondered if she would get to say thank you to Levi.


End file.
